It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
