Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
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If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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