dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
