he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Randomize
