i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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