Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
