What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
