youre lurking in front of me
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
