last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Randomize
