Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
That accounts for only three of the penises
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
