After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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