i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
