I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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