Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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