I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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