I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
