I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
he wants to bone in the snuggie
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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