Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Four minutes until I can fart!
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
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about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
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while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
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