Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
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He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
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tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize