her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
it's like iHOP with fire
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
