You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
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She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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