I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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