If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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