Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Randomize
