Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
