there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
