omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I got her a Nickelback box set.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
