Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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