Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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