My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize