Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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