I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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