I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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