Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
