I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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