Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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