I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
