so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
