I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
