the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
