I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
