don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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