peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
