we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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