I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
