Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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