I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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