take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
