That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
