When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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