girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize