Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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