i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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