Texts From Last Night

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  (310): View more from California

  it's too hot outside to masturbate.

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  (310): it's too hot outside to masturbate. http://tfl.nu/dql5
  Replies (19) Good night (690) Bad night (1626)
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  I haven't been this sober since birth.

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  (609): I haven't been this sober since birth. http://tfl.nu/qg8c
  Replies (15) Good night (1284) Bad night (2761)
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  (+31): View more from The Netherlands

  I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.

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  (+31): I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew. http://tfl.nu/u42t
  Replies (14) Good night (3025) Bad night (1194)
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview

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  (514): in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview http://tfl.nu/us78
  Replies (19) Good night (1023) Bad night (3566)
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  (716): View more from New York

  dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex

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  (716): dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex http://tfl.nu/pkc8
  Replies (21) Good night (5610) Bad night (704)
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  (310): View more from California

  Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.

  (310): View more from California

  Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.

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  (310): Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her. (310): Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse. http://tfl.nu/0qfy
  Replies (18) Good night (4632) Bad night (1719)
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.

  (404): View more from Georgia

  Do you think he can smell the vodka?

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  (678): You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house. (404): Do you think he can smell the vodka? http://tfl.nu/oujs
  Replies (35) Good night (886) Bad night (4857)
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut

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  (507): there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut http://tfl.nu/7k06
  Replies (40) Good night (5853) Bad night (987)
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  (409): View more from Texas

  The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.

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  (409): The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711. http://tfl.nu/l97v
  Replies (1) Good night (3183) Bad night (1113)
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.

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  (314): You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head. http://tfl.nu/as38
  Replies (29) Good night (2048) Bad night (1315)
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  (772): View more from Florida

  When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.

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  (772): When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny. http://tfl.nu/z1it
  Replies (14) Good night (721) Bad night (2241)
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.

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  (314): How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night. http://tfl.nu/t7tp
  Replies (5) Good night (703) Bad night (989)
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole

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  (617): Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole http://tfl.nu/3dil
  Replies (7) Good night (2563) Bad night (400)
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.

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  (224): I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog. http://tfl.nu/7iet
  Replies (0) Good night (677) Bad night (367)
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel

  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  Again, totally unrelated

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  (902): On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel (902): Again, totally unrelated http://tfl.nu/6fey
  Replies (4) Good night (568) Bad night (358)

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