The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.