Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
