I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
