the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
And then he peed in my hair
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
