So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Randomize
