My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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