this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize