just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
